Will someone please explain to me how it is that I am a lesbian, and yet I cannot stand the vast majority of women?

DevilGrl's second baby shower was today. This is the shower where Marinka, Monkey and I all piled into the car for a three hour round trip drive to the middle of nowhere... The shower that took place on a street that doesn't even exist according to the navigational system in my mother's car.

By the time we arrived at the shower, Monkey had long since abandoned the brand new Magna Doodle her Auntie Molly bought her, and Auntie Molly's ass was essentially stuck to the black leather driver's seat. Marinka had even grown bored with checking other cars for attractive men. That in and of itself was a miracle.

Unloading Monkey from the car was surprisingly uncomplicated. You unbuckle her seat belt and out she pops. Apparently, once you're potty trained, mom gets to leave the baby suitcase at home.

My children will be potty trained from birth.

From the moment we walked through DevilGrl's front door, I felt like I must have entered some sort of parallel universe.

My world of suits and Starbucks and laptops suddenly collided with a world where women sporting the schoolteacher look are considered fashionable and a microwave is considered high tech.


We walk through the door where a nervous woman anxiously demonstrates what, how, and why we need to write on the back of a diaper.

From there, we're left to fend for ourselves. DevilGrl is nowhere to be found, and the only other familiar face is the one throwing the shower. Unfortunately, she was busy running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

Marinka and I looked at the women surrounding us. They were all clustered in familiar little groups, and not a single one stepped up to introduce herself. For that matter, no one really even looked at the two of us.

I spent the remainder of the shower focused on whatever Monkey happened to be doing at the moment. She was damn cute today.

However despite my intent focus on Monkey's antics, I couldn't help but observe some of the antics of the women surrounding me.

DevilGrl's two best friends spent the entire shower shooting each other looks. They were both constantly at DevilGrl's side... one on her right side, and one at her left. They bickered quietly over who knew DevilGrl better... who'd known her longer... blah, blah, blah.

The two of them have been rivals since the day one stole the other's boyfriend and eventually married him. Tricky part is that whichever one of them had him first was actually cheating on him when the other one came along and snatched him away.

Then there were the family antics. DevilGrl's baby's daddy's mother was there with her three daughters. They arrived late, they left early, and they didn't associate with anyone but each other.

For the most part, everyone else in our intimate group of 50, had known each other for years. They'd grown up together, or watched their children grow up together in this small town in the middle of nowhere. They were like a large clique, all gossiping about each other as soon as one member excused herself to the restroom.

So-and-so's daughter got knocked up by her brother's best friend's neighbor.

Ms. Perfect had a bright red pimple on her nose the day of her wedding.

Can you believe those shoes Jane Doe is wearing? And that dress! Hideous.

Imagine overhearing four hours worth of such nonsense.

By 4pm, Marinka and I were both more than ready to go home, and Monkey had spilled her whole cup of punch on DevilGrl's mother's carpet.

We said goodbye to DevilGrl and her mother, loaded Monkey into the car with the greatest of ease, and hit the drive through Starbucks in the neighboring town for some much needed stimulation.

Monkey slept while I sang along absentmindedly to the Hot European Boy Bands playlist on my iPod and Marinka surveyed each vehicle we passes for attractive suitors for either one of us.

I swear our car breathed a collective sigh of relief when the home stretch came into view.

April 16, 2005 11:38 p.m.

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